I'm kind of dark and twisty

it started out pretty normal...
did some homework, when shopping with kendra, hung out watched some tv. i even read some harry potter.

but i just spent the past few hours in an emergency room to make sure the bite from my cat wasn't going to result in a blood infection. the swelling and numbness kind of freaked me out.
it's not fun anymore when the blood on your hands and arms, on the floor and on your clothes is real.


but i'm really glad ken cared enough to try and help as much as he could even though he was in another state, and that kendra got the first aid kit, offered to make me something to eat so i wouldn't pass out and got me something to puke in...not to mention the fact that she took me to the er. and of course mike, for getting sam locked up in the bathroom and cleaning the blood out of the carpet.

this is the second time that he's gotten me this bad. not to mention the couple of times he's gotten kendra now. i don't want to have him put down, but i'm not sure what else to do. i mean, most of the time he's great, but when he gets like this...i just don't know what to do with him. he's so hostile. he's so angry.
it's my own fault. i should have listened to my own advice and stayed away from him. i just wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to go after someone.

it's just so difficult when you love something and they have no qualms about hurting you. yeah, i know he's an animal, but my mom's dogs don't even think about growling at her.


i need to get to bed. i have to be up for work in a few hours. :(
i really want to call in sick, but i need the money and the p.o. is already pissed at me for not being able to make up the hours i'm going to miss due to the holidays. >:(


whatever.....

i hardly ever go to class. for some classes, i think it's a waste of time. they give you readings to do, then they talk about the readings. they don't really teach you anything. they just regurgitate what they wanted you to read in the first place. i'd rather spend that time getting the work done. because they always tell you that in order to pass you need to do the readings. in order to pass the exams you need to do the readings.
but then of course i always feel like a failure when i don't go to class. i always worry that i'm going to miss out on something. i get really nervous.
i've really tried to change this behavior. i never used to skip this many classes at macomb. i would set a limit of three skip days and i pretty much stuck too it. here, i don't think i've ever gone to a full week of classes. ever.
i know i should go. i'm paying for it right? i just feel like i don't have time to go to work, spend that time in class and then get the homework done. i'm not getting the homework done. i'm so behind on it.
and i keep telling myself that i'm going to fail if i don't go to class, but honestly i did pretty kick ass last year aside from my stats grade. and i went to just about every one of those classes too. i just suck at stats.
it's almost like i feel guilty for not showing up to class? and going makes that feeling go away. but otherwise, i feel like it's a waste of time. because the whole time i'm thinking about all the other stuff i have to get done before the exam comes up.
it's just...this one class has only 12 people in it. so if i don't show up, it's obvious. she doesn't take attendance or anything. but everyone else just seems so...frantic to be there and get everything they can from her. why am i so different? the prof. has even said that she's not teaching us what's in the reading. we discuss it. it's a seminar class. so in order to learn what we're supposed to learn, we have to do the readings. and right now, it's all student presentations about what's in the reading. then she comments on it.
why go? but then why do i feel like shit when i don't?

there are a lot of things that irritate me.
1) i can't stand it when there is construction and there are signs ten minutes before the construction starts warning people that lanes are closed and assholes wait until the very last second to change lanes because they don't want to get stuck in the traffic and they think they're going to get somewhere faster by doing it. but by this time, traffic has come to a dead halt because everyone has to wait and make room for you idiots.
2) i hate it when people are so fucking selfish and down right stupid.
3) it bothers me when people who are "religious" think their prayers have actually changed someone else. ex: i work with a parole officer named megan and another intern named laurie. megan, as much as i like her, can be mean sometimes. she's a loud, stressed out person. sometimes she blows up at the wrong people. laurie is stupid. she makes stupid mistakes over and over and megan gets very upset with her. so laurie has been praying for megan to "get rid of her anger." so she says to me today that she thinks her praying has worked because megan has been in a better mood lately. did she EVER think that maybe god has tried to make her less stupid so she doesn't piss megan off? no. did she consider that maybe megan had something going on outside of work that made her more stressed and now that stressor is gone? no. she, with her magical jesus powers, has somehow changed megan in the short time of a week.
yes, i am a somewhat "spiritual" person. i do believe there is something out there...but i don't presume to know what it is or how it works. i mean, it could be a flying spaghetti monster for all i know. but i highly doubt that even if you asked the flying spaghetti monster to grace someone with his noodley appendage and take their anger away, it would happen. it just doesn't work that way.
4) i hate getting my hopes up about something.
5) i hate that i finished harry potter and the order of the phoenix today, but i forgot the sixth book at my parent's house so i can't start reading it.


one thing that does make me happy is ichc

so, for my first art project in my drawing class, we have to make something for the art ex libris show that's going to be in the kresge library on campus. we had to find books that the library was getting rid of and turn them into something cool.
i luckily found a bunch of really old psych books. the title of one is "the death and rebirth of psychology"
i've been on a zombie kick lately, so when i read the death and rebirth part of the title, this got me thinking...
i decided to somehow construct a hand out of pages in the book and have it tearing out of the center, like a zombie hand would be tearing out of the ground. this, to me, would show how psychology is coming back to life. when i first presented this idea to my prof. she seemed to really like the idea and so did a few people in my class. they even tried to help me come up with ideas on how to make the hand.
then about a half hour later, she tells me i'm being "too literal" (???) and that i need to come up with something else. this is due in a week and to be honest...that was my best idea. the one i really wanted to do and my most creative.
she told me that i should somehow incorporate a brain or a head or something.
so after trying and trying to come up with something, and being unsuccessful, i tried talking to her after class.
she tells me that she doesn't see how a hand is in any way is related to psychology and that she's really good at connecting things, even things that don't go together, and she can't do it. she keeps telling me to incorporate a brain or head or that i should try to incorporate words into the hand or something (even after i've told her multiple times that the hand is going to be made out of pages!) she also suggested i use an egg instead to symbolize birth... WHAT? what does an egg have to do with psychology??? absolutely nothing. she even said, "if we go out into the hall and ask anyone what they think of when they see a hand, they won't say psychology"
and when i continue to try and explain "my vision" she cuts me off, says we can talk later and starts talking to another student.


i'm sorry, but i thought that this was supposed to be my art project, my way of interpreting a book i found. and i don't see how a zombie hand is "too literal" when it's coming out of a psych book. to me a brain is too literal and quite frankly, boring. it's expected. the book it's self is the psych part. it seems a little too redundant to have a brain coming out of it. think outside the box. and i'm sorry if you don't get it, and i don't care if other people don't either. part of the intrigue is trying to figure out what the piece is really about anyway. i don't have to spell out every single piece i do.
and i was even going to scrap the idea and come up with something else because i was afraid that she would mark me down on the project because she doesn't understand, but you know what, that isn't why i signed up for this class. the point of art is not to make your prof. happy. it's to be creative, take risks and try new things. it's a way to express what i think. and right now, i'm feeling squelched.

it's really frustrating. i was listening to her "critique" some of the other ideas and it seems that if she doesn't like it, the she automatically labels it as bad. for example, this one kid got a bunch of books on technology and he wanted to do a drawing of a pregnant woman and do a cross-section of her stomach, but instead of seeing an actual baby, he wanted to make a kind of robot or machine to show how we have "given birth to technology" i thought it was a cool idea and really wanted to see it fleshed out. but she said "oh no, people will think you're supporting abortion, you can't do that" i hate when art people are like this. art is not something that ever has to conform to a rule or specific person's taste. it's what the artist wants to make... it's supposed to be provocative!!!

i don't have all of my grades back but i got a 3.7 in abnormal psychology and a 3.1 in life-span development.
i'm pretty proud of myself for bringing my life-span grade up so much. i got a D on the first exam and a B on the second...so this must mean i did pretty good on the final! i studied my ass off for that!

work was so boring today. yesterday i was there for over seven hours and it seemed to go by so fast! today i was only there for four and a half and i couldn't wait to get out.

i have an appointment to find me an internship tomorrow! keep your fingers crossed for me!!!
i also forgot to pay my credit card bill today. it was due and i usually go and do it at my bank...i thought i had a few more days. i have to take care of that tomorrow too. i hope the late fee isn't that high. :(


i am so bored lately. i am not used to not having anything to do after i get home. i don't have any homework and i work all day. i can knit or read harry potter and the chamber of secrets or play cooking mama until my hands fall off. i do have to start taking classes next week, but it's only one and it's not going to take up too much of my time. i hope.

okay. i'm feeling pretty tired and it's only 10:30 and i feel like an old woman.

i'm trying to study for my stats final and all i want to do is play kingdom hearts. it doesn't matter which one really. i just want to play. the last time i got to play was before my finals for the fall semester. :( i've technically finished kingdom hearts ii, but i wanted to go back and get all the extra weapons and get my levels up so i could beat sephiroth!

i would really like to make one of these costumes sometime soon. i don't know when yet or even which one i would make...actually, i would love to make kairi or namine's dress...but i'd like to wait until i lose some more weight...which seems impossible because i've been eating right and exercising since january with nothing to show for it.... *sigh* anyway....back to stats...i guess???

does it make me a bad person because i can't stop listening to avril lavigne?
i am so done with school. i wish i was graduating now. i should be...
everyone always talks about how community colleges are a great stepping stone and every thing. well, i don't think so. actually universities have so many other requirements for you, that i'm stuck here for at least another two years.
i probably failed my statistics class so i'll probably have to retake it. *ugh* not looking forward to that. i hate that i have to take it in the first place.

i have to move back home for about a month soon. and start working full time again. i'm not looking forward to that. but i could really use a break from so much homework and school. i have two classes over the summer, so it shouldn't be too bad. i just want a break though.
i keep forgetting to post my new resume and apply for internships >:(

the next couple weeks of my life are going to be so hectic for a few reasons and i just wish i could go back to sleep right now.
i just don't feel like i have the capacity to deal with anything right now. i just want to say "fuck everything" and curl up in a ball and never come out.
i hate exam time...and it always seems i have so much drama going on in the rest of my life when it's the last thing in the world i need...*sigh*
it's supposed to make me a stronger person or something...right?

oh well, back to studying for the rest of the day until house m.d. comes on...then i'll try to fit in a couple hours of work or something.

So, in Abnormal Psych today my professor started talking about how he got into psychology and how he wanted to work with children. He wanted to do something called Play Therapy. The therapist uses things like finger painting or playing with dolls to figure out what's wrong with the kid and ultimatly fix it. He also mentioned that Play Therapy doesn't work.
This makes SO much sense because as he was describing it, I realized that this was what my shrink did with me when I was little. She would play games with me and I do remember a doll house. My mom said I would put the 'mom', 'dad', and 'doctor', doll into bed and the 'me' doll would take care of everyone else. Yes, that tells her that I don't want to be sick (I was in the hospital for my kidney junk)but what kid wants to be sick? And to this day I still have a "fear" of sorts of hospitals, doctors and the like. It didn't really solve anything. I just thought I got to play with her, I even got the game Cooties because she used to play it with me.

I talked to my dad about getting my nose peirced. It's not like I actually have to ask for permission, but I knew if I just came home with it he would flip out and flip out on my mom instead of me like he always does and that is never cool.
He said that the didn't really like it but he couldn't tell me no. He said it's desicrating my body or something. Ears are okay, but my nose is different. Well, in my opinion, if God's going to hold that kind of thing against me I'm already screwed because they cute me open when I was born and took a major organ out!!!

I'll probably wait until over the summer to do it unless I somehow magically get some extra money. Maybe when I get my income tax money back. I would like to get my ears done a couple more times too I think. I don't know. If I do I would like to get a bunch of jewlery that all matches and doesn't fall apart. All of the little balls kept falling out of the stuff I was buying before! >:(

Well...I have to get some dinner made and start working. Then I'm watching House and Miami Ink, taking a shower and going to bed.

Yeah...it feels nice to have super internet again. I hate having dial up at home.
School starts again tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it. Not one bit. I don't think this semester will be too bad though. I have a lot of reading to do. I'm dredding my psychological statistics class. What really bothers me is that it doesn't count towards a math credit. I wish they would do that when it applies.
I'm not too happy about being back at the apartments either. My mom even cried a little when I left. Yes, it was really nice seeing "my girls" tonight and bullshitting about stuff, but it's just me having to start facing reality again. Work and class and homework and having to buy my own food. *sigh* I'm really hoping the assholes of room 3207 don't start pulling the same kind of shit again. The first time I have to call on them, I'm going to find someone higher up in the food chain to do something about it!!!
I orderd my books and only two of them have come so far. But they were super cheap and I won't need them for a couple more days anyway. I hope.


So, I'm thinking about getting a guinea pig again. I love them so much. I just really want one. I miss having a pet and I can't bring Sam here. I told my mom I was thinking about getting a hampster and she told me I should just get another guinea pig because I'm going to want to play with it and you really can't play with hampsters a whole lot. She was even coming up with a few ideas on how I could smuggle him back and forth easier.
My biggest problem is taking him home over the summer. I don't know how Sam is going to react to him, but I'm pretty sure he'll try to eat the guinea pig. I can't neglect either one, plus I feel kind of bad having another pet when I can't bring Sam. Same old dilemmas...I just want one. :(